Band Morons
by Sovereign64
Summary: Roy Mustang has been asked by Fuhrer King Bradley to have him and his band perform at the Super Bowl. Will Roy and his band succeed or will things go chaotic? ONESHOT


_**Band Morons**_

It was a perfect Saturday morning in Amestris...or rather, it would be a perfect morning, if not for the fact that a certain citizen was playing music...very, very badly.

In his house, a man was playing the clarinet in his living room. He had short and tidy black hair and wears a blue military uniform, white gloves, blue pants and black boots. His name was Roy Mustang.

Suddenly, the door bell rang. Roy stopped playing, groaned in annoyance, and walks over to the door. He opens the door, coming face to face with a doctor and a nurse.

"Good day sir. We're with the pet hospital down the street and we've received a call, stating that you have a dying animal on the premises." The doctor stated. Roy narrows his eyes and slammed the door.

Immediately, his phone started ringing. Roy groans as he slowly headed to the ringing phone. He picked it up and answered "Hello. You've reached the house of unappreciated genius. Please start after the..." He finished it off with a low C flat note on his clarinet. To Mustang's surprise, it was a phone call from an old friend. On the other end of the line, an old man relaxed in his mansion, sitting in a massage chair and sipping a pina colada, as he held the phone to his ear. He was a old but muscular man with black hair, a black toothbrush moustache and wears a white shirt, blue pants and black boots. His name was Fuhrer King Bradley.

"Sounds as though you've got a dying animal to attend to, eh, old chap?" Bradley replied with a chuckle.

On the other end, Roy gasped in surprise."Fuhrer King Bradley...from Miss Southgate's Band Class of 1994?"

"I've heard you're playing the 'Cashier Line Concerto' now." Bradley joked.

"Uh... sometimes...How's that career as a fencing champion working out for you?"

Bradley smirked. "It's been nothing but good fortune, my old friend."

Roy frowned, clearly fed up. "Alright, that's it! I know that the only reason you would call me is to rub something in my face! So, let's just get it over with, so that I can get back to my miserable existence!"

"Well, if you are willing to know what I've been accomplishing that you couldn't, I'll tell you. I'm the leader of a big fancy band now, and we've just gotten back from a fantastic concert in Munich! Just as well, we're supposed to perform the Super Bowl Half-Time show next week."

Roy was shocked beyond belief "The T-T-T-T...! The T-T-T-T...! The T-T-T-T...!"

"That's right!" Bradley interrupted, clearly enjoying rubbing it in Roy's face. "I'm living in your dreams, Mustang! Though, problem is, I'm busy next week and can't make it. So, I was hoping you and your band could cover for us."

"Oh... Uh... Well... I would... It's just... Uh... Uh..." Roy stammered.

"I knew it! You don't even have a band." Bradley taunted with a laugh. "Well, I'll just let you get back to practicing your bingo strategy..."

"Hold it!" Roy shouted angrily. He wasn't going to let Bradley get the last laugh. "It just so happens that I'm not a cashier! I do own a band and we're gonna play that Super Bowl Halftime Show! How do you like that, Bradley?"

Bradley wasn't shaken by this at all, clearly seeing through Mustang's bluff. "Good luck next Tuesday. I hope the audience brings lots of ibuprofen!" And with that being said, Bradley hung up, laughing with glee.

Nervous about his deadline before he faced public humiliation, Roy looked worried as he muttered to himself. "Hoo-boy...I've got to drum up a marching band, fast!" Suddenly, he stopped and began to chuckle weakly at the pun. "Heh... heh... drum... heh... heh... band humor..."

* * *

><p>Later that day, a short boy was taking a stroll around town. He's a short boy with long blonde hair, tied to a ponytail and wears a red coat over a black shirt, brown belt, white gloves, black pants and brown boots. His name was Edward Elric. Suddenly, he spotted a poster pinned on a telephone pole, and peered at it with interest. "Hmm...looking to have a fulfillment to your dull, dull life...?" Edward said.<p>

In a different part of town, a long haired boy sat on a bench and was also reading a poster. He was a boy with long haired dark green hair and wears a black headband, black gloves, a black shirt and black shorts. His name was Envy. "Then become part of the greatest musical sensation ever to hit Amestris..." Envy said.

In another part of town, a blonde haired girl who wears a white singlet and dark blue skirt is reading a poster pasted on a window of an automail store. Her name was Winry Rockbell. "And be forever adored by thousands of people you don't know..."

Elsewhere, a Chinese man with black hair, tied to a ponytail and wears a black coat, dark blue shirt, dark blue pants and black boots, sat in a restroom stall and read a poster as well. His name was Greed. "Not to mention... free refreshments!" Greed smiled widely.

Heck, a poster was even posted in the local gym's women's locker room showers! "Practice begins tonight: at 7:25 sharp." Riza Hawkeye read as she washed her armpits with a bar of soap.

* * *

><p>That night, Roy drove, with some instruments in the back of his car, to the local community center, where he's suppose to teach music to the volunteers...and he was about five minutes late.<p>

"Stupid store clerk made me late! That eraser for brains couldn't tell a trombone from an elbow!" Roy grumbled angrily, before stopping and chuckling again. "Heh, heh. Elbow. Heh, heh. More band humor."

When he finally arrived, everybody was seated and talking to each other...or rather yet, just babbling generic crowd noises. They stopped 'talking' when Roy walked onto the stage and turned on his microphone. "People, people. Settle down!" he spoke loudly into the microphone, as everyone looked at him. "Okay! Thanks for coming, everyone." Roy added with a smile. "Alright, first things first. How many of you have played an instrument before?"

"Do instruments of killing count?" Envy asked, raising up his hand.

"No. Instruments of killing do not count." Roy deadpanned.

Another person raised their hand. He was a boy with short blonde hair and wears a black vest over a white shirt, black pants and black shoes. His name was Alphonse Elric. "Is milk an instrument?" Alphonse asked.

"No, Alphonse. Milk is not an instrument." Roy responded. Alphonse puts down his hand, then raises his hand again. "Ham sandwich is not an instrument either."

"Okay then...no one has an experience. Fortunately, I've got enough talent for all of you." Roy started laughing at his 'joke.' "for... all of... you..." He then bursts out laughing and slaps his knee.

Everybody just remained silent and stared blankly at him. "So…When do we get the free food?" Greed asked.

"Alright. Let's just try to follow along after me." Roy played some notes on his clarinet. "Brass section, go!" Lust, Lan Fan and Alex Armstrong played their trumpets...in a very off-key fashion. "Good. Now the wind." Riza, Winry and Scar blew on their flutes...also very off-key. "And the drums!"

Unfortunately, as the first two sections were of a specific kind, Edward, Alphonse and Maes ended up putting the drum sticks in their mouths and tried to blow the notes, resulting in accidentally launching the drumsticks like missiles, which pinned Roy to the wall. "Too bad that didn't kill me..."

* * *

><p>"Okay, let's try to step into rhythm. I want everybody to stand in straight rows of five." Roy announced.<p>

Edward got up in excitement and excitedly waved his hand. "Ooh! Ooh! Is this the part where we start kicking?"

Annoyed by Edward, Roy flatly responded. "No, Edward. This is not the part where we start kicking."

Alphonse then got up. "Kicking? I want to kick!" Alphonse said in an excited voice, and accidentally kicked Winry in the shins. She yelped in pain, turned and glared at Aphonse, who smiled sheepishly.

"Why you…!" Winry growled as she rubs her shins. She then launched herself at Alphonse and began to beat him up, creating a fight cloud of dust. The dust cloud floated out of the room, as Winry and Alphonse continued their fight. Suddenly, the squabble ended as Alphonse hollered in agony.

For a good two minutes, all was quiet, as everybody inside just stared at the doors with blank expressions and agape jaws. Suddenly, Alphonse poked his head inside and looked around, before nonchalantly saying, "Whoever's the owner of the orange Scion, you left your lights on." After that, he lumbered back to his seat, with his head sticking out of one end of a trombone, and the rest of his body in the other. All was quiet, as everyone stare with horrified expressions, as Alphonse made trumpet sounds with every step. As he sat back down, Alphonse let out a long trombone note.

**DAY 2**

The next morning, everybody started to march through, following Roy...and playing their instruments terribly! "Okay, that's perfect! Super Bowl, here we come!" Roy shouted encouragingly. "Okay, and turn." Roy ordered as the entire procession of tone-deaf musicians changed the direction of their march.

"Flag twirlers, really spin those things!" Roy shouted, as Gluttony and Sloth tried to spin the flags faster. "Come on you guys, let's go! I want to see some spinning. Flag twirlers! Let's move! Come on! Move!" Roy shouted with an annoyed look. Straining, Gluttony and Sloth cringe and sweat frantically as they spun the flags even faster. This resulted in the two lifting up into the air and flying right into a zeppelin, causing a big explosion. The group stared in shock at the tragedy. Jean Havoc then started to play a funeral song on his trumpet, as everybody placed their hands over their hearts and hung their heads in respect for the recently deceased flag-twirlers. Roy simply lied on the ground in fetal position, ashamed at the lack of progress...as well as haunted by the tragic occurrence.

**DAY 3**

Back at the building, everybody is resting and talking to each other while Roy walked up May Chang. "How's that harmonica solo coming along, May Chang?" Roy asked.

"Fantastic! Wanna hear?" May Chang then plays her harmonica. After playing for a while, she took a deep breath and blows her harmonica again. However, she starts inhaling and she blows her harmonica three more times. After then, May Chang breathes heavily and sweats frantically. She blows her harmonica one last time before rolling her eyes and collapses on the floor.

**DAY 4**

By this time, Roy had nearly given up all hope. "Well, this is our last night of practice before the show, and I've noticed that you haven't improved since we began..." Roy announced with a weak smile, glancing at Izumi Curtis, who was gnawing on a trumpet. Edward, Winry and Scar seemed clearly freaked out, and slowly edged away a bit.

"But, I have a theory. People talk loud when they want to act smart, right?" Roy asked.

"CORRECT!" Envy shouted at the top of his lungs.

"So, I've been thinking, if we play loud enough, people will think were good." Roy explained, having a glimmer of hope for the group. "Everybody ready?" He asked as he raised his baton, as all the band members grinned and got ready to play. "And a one... and a two... and a one, two, three, four..."

**"KABLOOOOIE!"**

Back in the community center, the place looked like a war zone as windows are shattered into bits and chairs are lying around the room. Roy's face was completely distorted, caused by the disastrous attempt at playing 'as loud as possible'. He finally regained his composure. "Okay, new theory... maybe we should play real quiet, so that no one can hear us..." Roy mumbled, the glimmer of hope diminished.

Suddenly, Pride frowned and yelled angrily, "Or maybe we wouldn't sound so bad if some people don't have big fat arms!"

Alex Armstrong looked offended by this, as he glared at Lust. "What did you say, brat?" Alex asked.

"BIG…FAT…ARMS!" Pride snapped angrily.

"Oh yeah? Well at least these fat arms aren't just for showing off!" Alex threatened as he gets into a fighting stance.

"Bring it on old man! BRING IT ON!" Pride yelled, gesturing him to fight with him.

Suddenly, Edward Elric walked in between them, trying to keep a fight from happening. "No, people. Let's be smart and act civilized here!" He said.

"Oh! So now fullmetal breath here is lecturing us!" Lust snapped with a frown. Everybody else then start arguing among themselves.

Roy did not like where this was going. Trying to prevent the inevitable brawl, he pleaded "People, settle down! I know that tensions are high."

**TOO LATE!**

"Take that!" Olivier Armstrong yelled as she punched Maes in the face.

Suddenly, everybody started fighting one another. Riza slammed a drum over Izumi's head. "No! I have a deposit on that!" Roy gasped.

Pride and Alex each picked up a flute, aimed the lip end right at each other and charged, as if in a jousting match. But, they were interrupted and both their feet screeched on the floor, to try to keep themselves from being smashed by some cymbals that were held by Maria Ross, but she got them any way.

"Settle down, please!"

Tim Marcoh held up a xylophone as a shield while Winry used some drumsticks as nunchuks, spinning them as she made Marcoh's 'shield' expire, one note at a time. Marcoh ran away as Winry tries to chase after him, but Alphonse runs over to her and kicks her in the shin again, enraging Winry. She picked up a trombone and grinned sadistically, resulting in Alphonse shrieking like a girl and running for his life.

The ugly fight continued, when the clock suddenly struck ten o'clock. Everybody stopped fighting as Lan Fan said "Hey, class is over." Immediately, everybody then smiled, got up and started walking home, acting as if the fight had never happened.

When they reached the entrance, Roy, from the outside opened the door with a sad look on his face. "Well... you did it. You all took my one chance of happiness and crushed it...crushed it into little bit-size pieces...! I've really expected better of you people. I guess I'm a loser for that too... Don't bother showing up at the stadium tomorrow. I'll just tell them that you all died in a marching accident. So thanks... thanks for nothing..." the depressed man said as a tear fell from his eye, and he slowly left.

"Your welcome." Alphonse said stupidly after a moment. Edward looked genuinely ashamed.

"What kind of monsters are we?" Edward noted sadly as everybody turn their heads to him. "That poor soul came to us in his hour in need, and we failed him...Roy Mustang's always been there for us! Heck, Izumi, when your baby was trapped in a tree, who rescued him?"

"A fireman." Izumi Curtis answered with a confused expression.

"Right! And Greed, when your heart gave out from all those steroids, who revived you?" Edward continued.

"Some guy in an ambulance." Greed replied.

"Exactly!" Edward said with a wide grin, as the rest of the group smiled. "So, if we all could pretend that Roy was a fireman or some guy in an ambulance, then I'm sure that we will all pull together and discover what it truly means... to be in a marching band!" he finished.

"Hooray for the fireman!" Envy shouted as everybody cheered.

Edward stood on a soapbox and pulled out a baton, saying, "Now let's make Mustang proud! A-one... A-two... A Yabba-Dabba-Doo!"

* * *

><p>The next day at the Super Bowl, Roy Mustang walked sadly towards the entrance, knowing that he was about to suffer complete and total humiliation. "I knew that this was going to happen. I'm just going to have to find a new band to play, if I'm lucky." Roy sighed in a defeated tone. "I just hope that...BRADLEY DOESN'T FIND OUT! BRADLEY, AH!" Roy yelped as he realized that Bradley was waiting for him at the entrance with a smug grin on his face.<p>

Bradley chuckled and walked up to Roy. "Well, 'bout time you showed up. I was afraid that I'd missed your entire mental breakdown." Bradley laughed, as Roy growled in anger. "So, where's your band?"

"Uh... they... couldn't come, they...uh...all died in a car accident." Roy lied, sweating nervously.

"Then who's that?" Bradley pointed.

Roy turned and yelped, spotting Edward, Alphonse, Winry, Scar, Envy, Lust, Pride, Riza, Jean, Maes, Greed, Lan Fan, Alex, Olivier, Maria, May Chang, Marcoh and Izumi all dressed in band uniforms! "Ah! That would be my band!"

"We're ready to perform, Mr. Mustang!" Edward saluted with a big grin.

Bradley placed his an arm on Roy's shoulders. "Well, Mustang, old chap...this is exactly how I pictured your band would look." Bradley chuckled nastily as the two glanced at Edward, who was doing a dorky 'excited dance'.

"That's his...game face." Roy mumbled as he put his band hat on and gulped, preparing for the worst. Roy ashamedly headed into the stadium, followed by his proud and loyal band, as Bradley laughed his head off. Soon, everyone, including Bradley, had entered a large dome.

"Well, I guess this is the last time I can show my face in this town again..." Roy said with a sigh.

"That's the spirit!" Edward said cheerfully.

The door of the dome closed as it elevated up. From above the stadium, the sports commentator announced, "Okay, football fans, it's time to put your hands together for this year's half-time show... The Amestris Super Band!" When the dome reached it's destination, the band members looked horrified at the grandstands, filled with wild and crazy football fans.

"Man, these people really get into this game..." Winry noted.

"Maybe we're near one of those college-thingys." May Chang added.

"I think I'm gonna be sick..." Scar gulped.

Roy, sweating nervously, as he knew that humiliation was near, gulped and said, "Alright... everybody ready...?" He looked at Bradley, who made an evil smirk and chuckled. "Let's get this over with... one... two... three... four..." Roy stammered as he braced himself, preparing for the worse. Suddenly, everybody played their trumpets beautifully.

Roy and Bradley both looked completely puzzled by this. Suddenly, Alphonse played the guitar and Edward starts singing with his microphone.

Edward: _**Yeah,**_

_**A used…..pink bathrobe**_

_**A rare…mint snow globe**_

_**A smurf….TV tray**_

_**I bought on Ebay**_

Roy smiles at his band while Riza started playing the drum.

_**My house….is filled with**_

_**This crap….shows up in**_

_**Bubble wrap…most every day**_

_**What I bought on Ebay.**_

Winry: _**Tell me why**_

Edward, Jean and Maes: _**I need another pet rock.**_

Lan Fan: _**Tell me why**_

Edward, Lust and Envy: _**I got that Alf alarm clock.**_

May Chang: _**Tell me why**_

Edward, Scar and Alex: _**I**_ _**bid on Shatner's old toupee**_

Edward: _**They had it on Ebay**_

The fans start dancing and waving their arms to the song. Roy smiled with his mouth wide open and throws away his baton while Bradley stares dumbfound with his mouth parted slightly.

Edward: _**I'll buy…your knick-knack**_

_**Just check…my feedback**_

"_**A plus plus!" they all say**_

_**They love me on Ebay!**_

Winry: _**Gonna buy!**_

Edward, Maria and Riza: _**A slightly damaged golf bag**_

Olivier: _**Gonna buy!**_

Edward, Lan Fan and Pride: _**Some beanie babies, new with tag.**_

Izumi: _**From some guy**_

Edward, Alphonse and Winry: _**I never met in Norway**_

Edward: _**Found him on Ebay!**_

Roy started nodding his head and the spectators continue waving their arms.

Edward: _**I am the type who is liable to snipe you**_

_**With two seconds left to go**_

Winry and Riza: _**Whoa**_

Edward: _**Got Paypal or Visa,**_

_**Whatever'll please ya**_

_**As long as I've got**_

Edward and Alphonse: _**The dough!**_

Edward: _**I'll buy…your tchotchkes**_

_**Sell me…you watch please**_

_**I'll buy**_

Alex: _**I'll buy**_

Marcoh: _**I'll buy**_

Greed: _**I'll buy**_

Edward: _**I'm highest bidder!**_

The spectators cheered while Bradley, with his mouth agape and his eyes wide open, faint to the ground and he was dragged away by a pair of paramedics. Roy smiled at this and waved goodbye as Bradley leaves.

Everyone: _**Junk keeps arriving in the mail**_

_**From that worldwide garage sale**_

_**Hey! A Dukes of Hazzard ashtray!**_

_**Oh yeah, I bought it on Ebay.**_

Maria: _**Wanna buy**_

Edward, Alphonse and Scar: _**A**_ _**Pac-man Fever lunchbox**_

May Chang: _**Wanna buy**_

Edward, Greed and Lan Fan: _**A**_ _**case of vintage socks**_

Suddenly, Roy Mustang joins in and sings with his own microphone.

Roy: _**Wanna buy a Kleenex used by Dr. Dre!**_

Everybody: _**Found it on Ebay**_

Winry: _**Wanna buy**_

Edward and Roy: _**That Farrah Fawcett poster**_

_**Pez dispensers and a toaster**_

Izumi: _**Don't know why**_

Edward and Roy: _**The kind of stuff you throw away**_

Edward: _**I'll buy on Ebay**_

_**What I bought on Ebay**_**.**

After the song ended, every spectator in the stadium cheered and clap their hands. Everybody in the ban took a bow and Edward raises Roy's arm in the air. Roy smiled as everybody in the stadium cheered for him. Then, every band member carried Roy up and they all wave their arms at the spectators. It was one of the best performances anyone has ever seen.

**THE END**

DW: I hope everyone enjoys it! I completely wrote this story out of boredom! XD

The song they sang at the end is "Ebay" by Weird Al Yankovic


End file.
